The Best Movie Review Ever

OK, so it’s no big surprise that George Lucas royally fucked up the Star Wars series with that travesty he called Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I hate it, you hate it … but this guy really hates it.

What follows below is a 70 minute review (yes – seventy friggin minutes) that dissects the movie like Obi Wan’s light saber took apart Darth Maul. At the beginning, the review may seem as annoying as those God-awful Gungans, but stick with it. There are some incredibly well-constructed arguments and some great insight. It is a very worthwhile, pretty damn funny and definitely worth a watch.

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… And Bring In The Machine That Goes “Ping” That’ll Really Impress Them!

“It’s been nearly a decade since terrorists used airplanes to attack our country, and last week’s attempt makes it clear that the lack of terrorist attacks have nothing to do with the increasing gauntlet of whirring machines, friskings, and arbitrary bureaucratic provisions, but simply that for the most part, there just aren’t that many terrorists trying to blow up planes.”

Joel Johnson over at Gizmodo makes an excellent case for getting rid of the TSA, which stands for … um … not sure about the “T”, but I’m pretty sure the last part stands for Suck-Ass.

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TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!

Is that bone?
That's 'bone'.

Ever since my sheep-shagging Welsh friend, Howard, pointed this song out to me, I can’t get it out of my head. Miles Fisher’s cover of the Talking Heads’ “This Must Be The Place” has that quintessential British pop sound, which made me mistake Fisher as the UK flavor of the month. But he’s not – Miles Fisher is an American. Educated at Harvard, he’s best known for his turn at spoofing Tom Cruise in Superhero Movie.  He’s also appeared in Mad Men and some crap show I’ll never watch, called Gossip Girl.

But his take on “This Must Be The Place” is instant gold. Not only is his adaptation catchy and toe-tapping, but the video that supports the song is absolute brilliance. It was put together with the help of some students at the American Film Institute and parodies one of the finest pieces of cinematic horror pornography to come out of the 90s, American Psycho. Fisher looks as eerily like Christian Bale’s Patrick Bateman as he does that Scientologist shitbag, Tom Cruise.

Anyway, check it out. Don’t blame me if you’re still humming this naive melody in your head days later.

Extras:

  • Download Miles Fisher’s album for free, here.
  • A really wonderful xylophone-laden version of the song with David Byrnes, here.
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What Is It With Short Guys & The Deaths Of Thousands?

No. 325 in a series of 1500
No. 325 in a series of 1500

Joseph Strauss was a short man, even for the standards of early 20th century America, standing just shy of five feet tall. Yet, he had big aspirations. Even as a young man, the first signs appearing as he graduated at the top of his class from the University of Cincinnati with degrees in both economics and business.

During his college years, he was hospitalized with a lingering illness that left him bed-ridden for weeks. Strauss had little to do besides read a book or look out the window at the Cincinnati-Covington bridge. It was in these long, boring days that Strauss developed a fascination for bridges.

Upon graduation, he went to work for a the pre-eminent bridge designer of the day, Ralph Modjeski, a pioneer of suspension bridges. It’s no stretch of the truth to say that Modjeski’s imagination and agile thinking allowed American cities to span distances thought impossible before Modjeski put pen to paper. He built more than three dozen bridges during the Industrial Revolution, including the Bay Bridge in San Francisco.

The Bay Bridge, connecting San Francisco and Oakland is an impressive feat of engineering, a double-decked behemoth, stretching nearly four and half miles from terminal-to-terminal and capable of handling whatever the San Andreas fault could dish out. It was impressive feat in engineering, let alone early 20th century construction.

But Modjeski’s marvel was quickly overshadowed by his student’s magnum opus. A scant six months later, Strauss dedicated the completion of his bridge across the bay with a poem he had penned himself. A shameless self-promoter, Strauss celebrated the Golden Gate bridge (and himself) in “Spanning the Impossible.” (more…)